Lees, Zwanger

Prijs?

Langzamerhand weten steeds meer mensen van ‘mijn toestand’. Toch ben ik steeds weer zenuwachtig om het te vertellen. Omdat ik het zelf nog niet helemaal geloof? Het is alsof ik vertel dat ik waarschijnlijk een prijs heb gewonnen, maar dat die prijs toch opeens naar iemand anders gaat. Straks blijkt het allemaal niet waar te zijn! Kan ik niet nog een echo krijgen?

Vorige week waren mijn vriendin Daphne en ik op vakantie in La Palma. De gezondste vakantie aller tijden. We beginnen de ochtend met een ontbijtje in de zon. Vervolgens lezen we bij het zwembad een half boek. Daarna stappen we in de auto om de natuur op te zoeken en te doen alsof we ook echte wandelaars zijn. Een paar uurtjes later keren we weer terug naar ons nog-nooit-zo’n-niet-pittoresk-dorp-gezien-Los Cancajos, waarna we nog wat eten om vervolgens om tien uur in bed te liggen met de andere helft van het boek. Iedere dag ben ik te vroeg wakker vanwege ‘mijn toestand’. Mijn reisgenoot slaapt nog slechter doordat ze gestopt is met roken en haar lichaam nog moet wennen aan het nicotineloze leven. In deze vroege uurtjes dus genoeg tijd om te piekeren. Raar is dat, dat als je ’s nachts ergens mee wakker wordt, je dan moeilijk uit die gedachtecirkel komt. Na een tijdje lukt het meestal wel om nog even te slapen en ook Daf komt denk ik niet echt slaap te kort, want ik hoor haar toch echt geluidjes maken die ze niet maakt als ze wakker is.

Ook op woensdag ben ik weer absurd vroeg wakker. Ik lig met mijn hand op mijn buik en probeer nergens aan te denken. Lastig. Mijn gedachten dwalen naar mijn buik die wel erg plat is. Ik ben in de afgelopen dagen ook niet misselijk geweest, heb geen extreme hongeraanvallen gehad en ben ’s avonds niet zo belachelijk moe. Ik voel me niet zwanger. Whatever that may be. En plotseling weet ik het -bijna- zeker. Het slaat allemaal nergens op. Er zit gewoon echt geen kind in mijn buik. Ach, onzin, ik heb geen bloeding gehad en vorige week hebben we het hartje nog gehoord en verzekerde de arts ons dat alles goed was. Maar waarom voel ik dan niets?

Een paar uur later zitten we weer buiten met ontbijt. Ik weet niet meer wat Daphne zegt, maar plotseling zit ik te huilen. Omdat ik me zo goed voel. Omdat ik het niet geloof. Omdat ik geen buik heb. En mijn bestie huilt gezellig mee. Fijn als je vriendinnen een beetje meezwangeren.

Zwangerschap voor dummies: het is logisch dat je in week 11 nog niets ziet. En dat de buik ’s avonds is opgezwollen en ’s ochtends niet. Komt door de hormonen, waardoor je vocht vasthoudt. Staat in het boek. Heeft Daphne net uitgezocht. Bij de meeste vrouwen is pas vanaf week 16 wat te zien. Maar ik wilde zo graag met een buikje thuis komen. Om aan Henno te laten zien. Bewijsmateriaal zeg maar.

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